Know what no one tells you about weight loss? The identity crisis. I had tried to shed the weight before, unsuccessfully, for years. I was convinced that my biggest size was where I’d be spending the rest of my days, cringing through body shaming toxic environments. Nah, bro. I did the work to love myself at that size and it wasn’t always easy, but I did it. The universe went “that’s nice” and gave me a huge wake up call in June involving my blood pressure skyrocketing to ER levels. I started the keto diet and am down 50 lbs. Yay, right? Sure, totally. But, the part of me that I learned to love at my largest felt PISSED. Downright betrayed. “ExCUSE you…I thought we were cool.” That reaction was completely unexpected…did I do my job of loving that part TOO well? Why was I feeling devastated when my body was gaining energy? I wasn’t going to let this part have her way anymore, but I did need to give her a little space so, I made this video. It sucked. I’m naked and raw in this. It’s uncomfortable to talk about any of this. But it’s also freeing, so, here we are.
The girl on the left is slender. The girl on the right is not. The girl on the left is what society idealizes. The girl on the right is not. The girl on the left gets told to eat more. The girl on the right gets told to eat less. The girl on the left gets dirty looks. The girl on the right gets dirty looks. It is assumed that the girl on the left has an eating disorder. It is assumed the girl on the right never gets off the couch. The girl on the left gets her wardrobe criticized for being too revealing. The girl on the right gets her wardrobe criticized for being too boring. The girl on the left has been trying to put on weight for years, and the doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong. The girl on the right has been trying to lose weight for years, and the doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong. The girl on the left and the girl on the right adore each other. The girl on the left is an opera/church singer with two children. The girl on the right is an artist and photographer with two pets. Both are more than a picture. Both are so much more than what you see. So are you. So is everyone.
I loved the air in Yosemite. Amazingly clean after all those years in NY. When traveling with pets, hotels tend to place you in rooms away from other customers, and that’s fine with me. It meant this very private back deck to hang out on with no one else around. Took the opportunity to do this: it’s a collaborative effort between my husband and I (he clicked, I directed and edited)…I was probably a pain in his butt, demanding very particular angles and moving so he wouldn’t take others. Photographer power struggle! Anyway, I decided to do this after some negative feelings and thoughts…call it a healing technique. The air felt amazing on my skin and everything just went quiet…bliss.
To be perfectly transparent, I’m posting this to remind myself of that quiet…posting this feels stranger that actually taking the shot, but it’s all a process…a fun one! And this also serves as vengeance for all my subjects that I may have frozen over the years 😉
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