I loved the air in Yosemite. Amazingly clean after all those years in NY. When traveling with pets, hotels tend to place you in rooms away from other customers, and that’s fine with me. It meant this very private back deck to hang out on with no one else around. Took the opportunity to do this: it’s a collaborative effort between my husband and I (he clicked, I directed and edited)…I was probably a pain in his butt, demanding very particular angles and moving so he wouldn’t take others. Photographer power struggle! Anyway, I decided to do this after some negative feelings and thoughts…call it a healing technique. The air felt amazing on my skin and everything just went quiet…bliss.
To be perfectly transparent, I’m posting this to remind myself of that quiet…posting this feels stranger that actually taking the shot, but it’s all a process…a fun one! And this also serves as vengeance for all my subjects that I may have frozen over the years 😉
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Going to get a little more personal here today. I shot this self portrait last week since I haven’t done that in years. I’m definitely more comfortable behind the camera, which meant it was time to confront those nervous feelings. I’m going to be completely honest here…the range of thoughts and emotions that went through me during that 30 minutes varied widely. Some thoughts congratulated my willingness to do this, while other thoughts were more negative towards my body type. Some thoughts raised me up, while others tried to knock me down. It was like I was split halfway, one part subject, one part photographer. I allowed the photographer side to take over, eased into it more, and forgot about the negatives (ugh…photographer pun not intended). My role as the photographer is to make the subject feel good (while geeking out over gear) so I did just that. This was done with a timer, so there was a lot of hopping back and forth to reset the camera and look at the shots to see what I needed to adjust. Shoulders back. Leg a little to the left. All that fun stuff I usually use to direct others. By the end, I was having fun!
Yes, I’m aware of my body type. And I don’t hate it anymore. Yes, I’m aware that dropping weight will make me healthier…I’m working on it and already feeling better. It’s been a struggle and I take full responsibility for it all. That’s not the point of this though. The point was to confront some things and I did. I don’t know what I’ll look like in a year or even three months. But this is me now. And I accept that. To all those that have wanted to try this and hesitated: don’t worry. You’re fucking fabulous 😉